Specification of my Mind, Body and Soul - or What is left of it.
There are lots of things that I’m afraid of, the worst of them are things that actually happen.:
• Excessive sweating
• Unwellness in the stomach
• Feeling the need to go to the toilet
• Rapid breathing
The following are the fears that rule my life at the moment:
• ««« Fainting/wonkiness when I’m out
• ««««« needing to go to the toilet when not near a toilet.
• ««« Nausea/vomiting
• «« Body spasms
• ««««« Being trapped (e.g. in traffic)
• ««« Lightning/Storms
• ««««« Boredom
• ««« Loneliness
• «« Future illness/suffering
• «««« Heights
• ««« Food/eating
• «««« Dental work (having things in my mouth/gagging)
• «« Large groups of people (esp loud)
As fears, most of these things have become excessive and debilitating in the last 2-3 years in the absence of human contact. Basically four or so years ago my last employer made me quite ill, and then got rid of me so I could go and see my dad before he died. That even was sort of the straw that broke the camel’s back, psychologically I lost what I had left of me and also It left me bereft of literally any financial means for around 2 years during which time I was pretty much confined to my room. This combination left things pretty broken, and then the friends I vanished into the woodwork. This is what I mark as the beginning of my depression (assuming as all the psychiatrists say – that I am actually depressed).
Currently nothing I do brings me any joy, happiness or contentment. I either get distraction (e.g. by sleeping or working), or negative feedback (going out etc). This includes things I know I should enjoy which offer little in stressors or fears.
In response to something I saw online, I asked myself “What would I do/buy for $100k – just for kicks?” I couldn’t think of an answer. I honestly couldn’t think of a single thing I would spend $100k on except paying my rent. Nothing ‘pleasurable’ came to mind.
Doctor Christensen once told me one thing I’ve tried to stick to – that I should continue to do things I ‘should’ enjoy, because at some level I may well still enjoy them. As such – the following is a list of things I should enjoy doing, most of them require travel, money and/or people.
• Fantasy role playing and board games (e.g. Pathfinder and Cosmic Encounters)
• Photography (want to do black and white photography of buildings)
• Education (would love to do studies in Philosophy and/or Linguistics)
• Arts (want to learn how to do creative drawing)
• Website Development (Have two specific websites)
• Movies (not just sitting at home – but going out to the movies).
• Music (nice relaxing and/or meaningful music)
Things I know that I really don’t enjoy (and never have since before I was sick):
• Going out to dinner, eating fancy food etc
• Loud concerts and events
• Long distance travel (e.g. going to England or Melbourne)
Money is no longer the huge issue it was earlier, however for every $20k I spend now – that is 1 year less I can afford to live if after I lose my job (if that happens) as I’m currently not well enough to be hired again.
In addition to all the mess in my head from the recent events, there are long standing issues which have grown worse with the depression. Fundamentally – these are things that at this stage I just can’t do/control, rather than things I’m just afraid to do. These are all related in a sense, but I will list them each anyway.
• Self-Initiate: In the absence of stimulus external to my mind, I can do nothing. The explanation to this is somewhat complex, but it is not related to memory – but it may be deeply related to motivation. My current best attempt at addressing this is to have a couple of websites (e.g. IMGUR.COM) open with a lot of continuous new content and commentary, and attempt to get triggers via that. It does work sporadically. The following diagram shows roughly the problem:
Basically, without the stimulus/trigger/catalyst – I can’t get over the lump. With it I can.
• Communicate with Machines: Leave messages on answering machines, talk to voice recognition menus, talk to SIRI (iPhone), pray or self-affirm.
• Act with my own personality: Whilst in a group of people, I will respond to the environment using the ‘personality’ traits of the most dominant present. My choices are to either escape the situation, or to return in kind. Attempts to ‘hold in’ the response relate to severe stress and eventually anxiety reactions such as body spasms.
• Full Memory/Visualisation: I cannot visualise anything, my mind’s eye is blank (black), so I cannot picture something either new or remembered. My memories are in the third person. I can remember facts and figures, but nothing sensory or feeling is remembered.
• Learn other than by doing: I cannot learn something by watching/reading or being shown. I can only learn something by doing it myself. This can be under instruction, but merely watching something I don’t understand leaves me with no memory to ‘repeat’ later.
I am extremely unfit – but fundamentally physically healthy (for now), current physical issues:
• Oral health is not good (could be a lot worse)
• Sinus and respiratory issues (being treated ok for now)
• Severe obesity (well duh!!)
• Lower back issues (not severe at this stage).
• Minor neck based nerve pinches (inducing some wonkiness according to physiotherapist)
• Circulation issues in my legs (currently looks worse than is).
• Very poor diet (currently attempting to address via VLCD), not too many other options.
• Minor digestive issues (IBS?) in addition to that caused by anxiety.
• Some minor skin irritation/allergy/itching
-- 4th of March 2015